heart of wonder

things are going good now. well sort of. the past has come back to haunt me but im gonna make it fun and not take it too seriously, because being hurt isnt fun. yay to hanging with the friends lately since its been hard to see them during school and stuff. (hi carolyn!! im going to follow you on here!) stephanies coming over soon with zack and we are going to make a raucus. this week should be pretttty chill and awesome. thennnnn i get to see valencia, sparks the rescue, every avenue on friday in poughkeepsie @ the chance! then fourth of july weekend, a day off on monday, tuesday i get to see my boys in this providence :) along with hey monday, stereo skyline, the friday night boys and the bigger lights. YAY. july 8th—> july 10th = cleveland baby! i feel like im just typing random things but thats okay. bye

summer is finally here. alot has been going on.

i wish my dad would learn how to stop interupting every single fucking person that talks. nothing annoys me more than that.

i cant wait till im bored to write for real on here.

bestieeee you know what im talkin bout fool. tearin it up in cleveland whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

had my alg 2 final today, no biggie. probably got a d or failed but i have graca…so i’ll have at least a C. nap time now. then doing some gay ass shit. now my annoying friend is bothering me. dam it.

You don’t know how much I adore
this damp rag soaked in chloroform
It makes me so hard to ignore
cause I could never keep your attention
I’m not one to make threats
I’ve been reduced to promises
I lie to myself cause I do it best
I’m not honest with my intentions

So when the blindfold starts to slip
and the rope starts to rip
and I slowly start to give in
girl, you know I’m sorry

But tonight I’ll wait until I know you’re fast asleep
to poison you with memories of you and me
I pray you die slowly so I can be the last thing you see

you’ll see

Girl you’re busy and that’s fine
but there’s one thing I gotta get off my mind
I won’t take too much of your time
I promise this won’t last long
I used to be your biggest fan,
you used to say I was your man
Now if I can’t have you no one can
I’ll be the last boy you hang up on

So when the blindfold starts to slip
and the rope starts to rip
and I slowly start to give in
girl, you know I’m sorry

But tonight I’ll wait until I know you’re fast asleep
to poison you with memories of you and me
I pray you die slowly so I can be the last thing you see

oh you’ll see

She’s losing consciousness
I’m gaining confidence
It’s starting to make sense
woahh woah
She’s covered in finger prints
From her lips to her hips
All I wanted was one more kiss
woah woah

She’s losing consciousness
I’m gaining confidence
It’s starting to make sense
woah woah
She’s covered in finger prints
From her lips to her hips
All I wanted was one more kiss
woah woah

Tonight I’ll wait until I know you’re fast asleep
to poison you with memories of you and me
I pray you die slowly so I can be the last thing you see

who am i, we both don’t know
time ticks by, where did you go?”

i am getting more and more excited every single day for the fate of my summer on july 9th. i seriously am so confident that they are gonna get it and i AM STOKED to be on the road from july 12th-august 23rd! I love traveling and i cant wait to do it with the best guys around! its so hard to believe that i may be in 22 states & 2 cities in Canada this summer! AHH IM GOING NUTS ALREADY! then after this juicy summer tour i get a day off to travel back to this side of the country(aug 24) and the FTSK (AUG 25) with CBURKE in BOSTON! then i get 4 days to relax and restokenize (its a word now) myself for the pit @ Blink on August 29TH! then I am officially a senior on August 31st. and then my last year of high school begins. and college applying stuff. and SAT’s, and my bigggggg cross country year. back to writing these shit ass essays for u.s history. mama mertens you are killing me.

so once again i find myself cleaning my room and who texts me. stephanie. “im on your street” really steph thanks for the warning. she was with 4 other girls and i decided to be stubborn because dammit i’m in the middle of something and i dont feel its important to stop what im doing just to come out and see you. if you wanna hang out for a few or see me, feel free to come up to my room. and thats what i told her. really nothing is more frustrating than somebody wanting you to stop what you are doing for them. but no, apparently they didnt want to come up to my room and see me. “your mom will get mad” bullshit my mother doesnt give a fuck what i do. ive had 10 kids here at my house without telling her and she hasnt cared a bit before. and then the excuse ” well we just feel like walking” then why would you walk a mile up to my house, sit on the curb for an hour, and then say no we just want to walk.  please make up your mind about an excuse and just stick to it, thanks. “oh and please bring scissors out cause we are making bracelets” yo come in here and get your own damn scissors. i dont mind if people come up to my house, but at least be in my favor when i ask you to come in, or give me like a 20 minute warning. dont sit outside on my curb waiting for me to come out. you decided to come here, i didnt invite you darling. im not mad im just annoyed.

anyway i got a pretty cool new computer desk with more storage so maybe there will be less clutter than there was on my other desk? who knows. best part- this shit was free. hell yeah

i think im going to rita’s now for some italian ice. goodbye.

HAPPY FRIDAY!

i officially (and finally) opened my fucking bank account, after working for 7 months and making $2,000. i’m telling myself i cannot spend ANY of it until i book my flight and shit for cleveland next month. i really want it to happen so i’ve gotta save all my monaaaaayzzzzz. but now my mom wants me to go to the mall. and im going to go, and not buy a thing. but her buying something….for me….thats a diffferent story. okay goodbye. ps i am really happy for some strange reason. oh i remember….the first song they played this morning in school when switching classes was UNDER THE BRIDGE. what better way than to share the love of RHCP with 785 other kids? PEACE.

oh, and im listening to the summer set. they are pretty hood…..their drummer is a girl. i give her alot of credit….i wish i could be a drummer.

holy shit watching the parent trap my all time favorite movie! idk why but this movie makes me so happpy. and eating frosted cheerios w00t! tomorrow will be a busy busy day. school, gett mah paycheccccck, goin to the daycare, and then the bank, and CVS. and then scott and i are finally supposed to hang out after trying to make plans for about a year now but they never happen. i ran into him once but that didnt really count. and im supposed practice soccer with my brother sometime too? and go to the mall. ah only so many hours in a friday! i love fridays. i love being busy when its not school related.

my favorite part of this movie is on….the whole camping scenario. DISNEY CHANNEL NOW!

ALSO my room is staying clean for once! AMAZING!

wife swap is a comical show. but i noticed its always the same thing….the lazy non disciplined family switching with the strict hard working kids family. boo.

got my yearbook today and its pretty sick. im glad andrew put in a wonderful candid of me at bat for softball. thanks doo-art!

time for a short nap, and then calling work @ 4 to find out if i have to go in. im praying i dont have to.

if i dont, im going to find another job to pay for my expenses this summer. and i also need to open a bank account to put my money in. whenever i have just cash on me i spend it, which is not good.

bai.

shut up and deal show on friday was pretty hood. good group of guys i’d say.

anyway tonight @ work wasn’t so bad. spiderwebs by no doubt came on and i was thrilled. it made me not think about how much i hate work and then the night went by alot faster. oh and i also thought about how much i cant fucking wait for my little vaca in a month. AHHHHADFGADFGSEDFISGHD!!! i miss youuuuuuu(:

on a side note i finally cleaned my room. its almost perfect…which is nuts. i havent actually cleaned it since november i think.

now i’m debating whether or not i should tell my mother about this summers plans. or just kinda let them happen. either way i dont think she will care but things are going good now, and i dont want her bitchyness to put me down in the dirt like it always does.

today it was rainy, and i love the rain.

also, i love the beach @ night. that is my top favorite thing to do at night, and maybe even the day too. too bad i live kinda far from a beach.

alright enough for now, i’m going to get some water, and then putting my computer to sleep, and then i am going to sleep. goodnight.

forget the night life
oh you’re my favorite thing about this town
so come with me, i’ll take you home
and you can stay the night
if you cross your fingers

-brian dales

best friend, i miss you so

i hope you don’t see this

because i’m coming to surprise you 1 month from today.

i can’t wait.

i miss laying on the dock with you
i miss piggy backs from you
i miss brookestones masssages with you
i miss being silly with you
i miss you making me happy
i miss the FJ
i miss singing backstreet boys with you @ gloria jeans coffee
i just tremendously miss you.

it’s so easy to open up to you, and i don’t do that very often with people. you are just super special bff.

and now i’m listening to mercy mercedes.. yes <3

thats right i said it come on, i know you get it darlin.

i’ve been sitting at this computer for almost 2 hours and have gotten 1 paragraph done on my english essay….this is why i hate typing essays. Yeah, they’re nice and neat and professional looking, but the computer is such a distracting machine. I’d rather handwrite it 3 times before I type it. Pen and paper is so efficient….i never have a problem getting distracted when i write that way. sheesh. anyway i miss my alyssa. she’s grounded because her mom found her alcohol and weed or something. i dont really know the situation. I miss the way my old bff used to be. His name is joe. He acts weird around me all the time whenever we hang out with our mutual friends. My buddy Brandon told me he smokes [weed] now, so i’m thinking maybe that’s why he’s being wack. He knows i’m not a fan of that, plus he told me he would never do it. Maybe he just doesnt want to fess up. i dont really know. i’m fine not being close with him though. i never had a connection with him like i did with…well…this other kid. but apparently he’s too good to talk to his old high school friends. when i confronted him about 2 months ago wondering why he never talks to me anymore, he said its because “i’ve put high school behind me erica. I’m just trying to flesh out the new relationships in college.” and then i told him i needed him to talk to when i was going through some sad stuff. and he told me to stop being depressed and “get over it” what the fuck? get over it? did you mean to say “i dont care erica, about you or your problems, good bye” i guess that was the nice way of saying that. so then i figure hell with him; i mean yeah he was my absolute best friend, that one person i could spill my heart to and always willing to hear what he had to say in return. I felt like the kid was my brother and all of a sudden he wants nothing to do with me. I’m not quite sure the kid knew how much he meant to me. But then i remembered, i’ve been doing okay not talking to him all the time [like i used to] the past couple months, i might as well just forget about him. so i did. havent thought about him at all until he texted me on june 2nd, apologizing for being an asshole a while ago.

after talking for a while, he ends with this.

him: sort of. its cool, i understand. you can get back to me whenever you’ve slept on it. good night bud <3

what the fuck? that little heart isnt going to win our friendship back. i’m not available for you whenever you want to be friends. fuck it, im pretty sure i’m not going to talk to you again.

irony here: the new besto dropped me off about 20 minutes prior before this little incident.

i miss my best friend….my new one that is.

and he mentioned that time reveals some rational thoughts, and i agree…but i’m not saying that in your favor…believe me.

maybe someone will read this, maybe not. hey, as long as someone can hear me out.